Or at least feel like crying...I haven't cried yet or puked. I did kinda wanna puke even though I hate puking. So yea i know this seems random but it's time to start using this forum as it's meant to be used. i'm tired of being afraid. And my girl has inspired me with her blogging. I started this blog to get my writing out there but i've been too scared. i named this blog The Journey because i thought it would hold the journey of me learning to publish my writing. The Journey was also picked because i had an idea/hope/dream that some big changes were about to happen to me. They have...
I won't bother to list the changes right now they'll come out as i hopefully write more and more often...but if you want to know just let me know and i'll tell ya all 'bout it.
So running...yea...how the f*** did i, the ultimate fat girl, end up running!!?? i know there were choices and challenges and stuff but i really do feel like WTF how did i get to running.
So i'm in this huge lifestyle program MEFirst that is through work and it's the start of my second year and my wellness coach (who is ... wait he needs his own blog...stay tuned on the Wcoach) is a runner and offered to train a group from MEfirst to run. It's called Couch to 5K or C25K. after the meeting he talked about C25K at i said 'i'm interested.'?? (wtf) I just wanted to see if i could even run. a couple days later at the gym on the treadmill i tried and lo and behold i could...until Wcoach come up behind me and scared the shit outta me...talk about getting the heart rate up!! Any way, he was all excited for me which got me excited too. Believe me though before tonite there were weeks of excuses and he just kept not letting any obstacles get in my way.
Now this is the good part ...I ran 8 one minute intervals over 2 miles tonite!!!!!!!! WTF??? I hated it, it scared me, i was angry, i was sore, but I did it so i was also amazed!!! i'm kinda still in shock that i did it.
So i called Jewels-my gym buddy- who went with me tonite and i told her why i think i'm so sad:
This extra 125 lbs. that equals a whole other person, i've been carrying around all these years is my protector; she's feisty, defiant, a loud obnoxious punk really! And she was there in front tonite. I was mouthing off to Wcoach and making frustrated noises- for example, 'stuff that whistle!' this f***in sux! I hate you Wcoach!! AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! and more much worse...(sorry Wcoach and Jewels) and even though it was joking, that part of me, that extra girl, really was saying all those obnoxious things.
When it was over and we stretched and i got to my car and started to drive home I was so friggin sad ... hence... Running makes me cry! I called Jewels and in talking to her i realized why....
If i'm gonna stay on this journey to get healthy and strong and lose the extra 125lbs (which i am!) my protector (i've always named her Rosey) is gonna be gone. I don't need her anymore. i'm surrounded by loving protectors and i'm safe and making safe choices so Rosey can go. I'm still scared though and obviously Rosey isn't going without a fight...
I love you Rosey but maybe you should think about finding someone else to protect now...no hurry, it'll be ok...
you out there reading this, thanx for listening
I can understand every single word you have written and as I read each word I want to scream and cry with you, I want to tell you that I too have that fat girl inside although I am sure she is the opposite of your Rosie. I know when I was younger (ALOT YOUNGER) I was thin and I was mouthy and feisty and then when I gained the weighed (like 115 lbs!) I became someone else, I became different, quieter, driving in the car even is different- guys go by and you know that NO they aren't looking at me because I am fat, people in a crowded room ARE looking at me because I am FAT! I really can say that I hate this new me! So my goal, whether I like the journey or not, is to get back to the old me, and I am so glad that part of the journey is being on it with YOU! :)
ReplyDeleteIf anyone can do it, Kim, it's you!!! I admire you for all that you've accomplished and overcome. You rock, and you've always rocked, and you will continue to rock, even without Rosey.
ReplyDeleteGet healthy for yourself and Rachel, and for all of us!
Love you,
Bjarni