To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did~the will of God will never take you where the grace of God won't protect you.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Running makes me cry
Or at least feel like crying...I haven't cried yet or puked. I did kinda wanna puke even though I hate puking. So yea i know this seems random but it's time to start using this forum as it's meant to be used. i'm tired of being afraid. And my girl has inspired me with her blogging. I started this blog to get my writing out there but i've been too scared. i named this blog The Journey because i thought it would hold the journey of me learning to publish my writing. The Journey was also picked because i had an idea/hope/dream that some big changes were about to happen to me. They have...
I won't bother to list the changes right now they'll come out as i hopefully write more and more often...but if you want to know just let me know and i'll tell ya all 'bout it.
So running...yea...how the f*** did i, the ultimate fat girl, end up running!!?? i know there were choices and challenges and stuff but i really do feel like WTF how did i get to running.
So i'm in this huge lifestyle program MEFirst that is through work and it's the start of my second year and my wellness coach (who is ... wait he needs his own blog...stay tuned on the Wcoach) is a runner and offered to train a group from MEfirst to run. It's called Couch to 5K or C25K. after the meeting he talked about C25K at i said 'i'm interested.'?? (wtf) I just wanted to see if i could even run. a couple days later at the gym on the treadmill i tried and lo and behold i could...until Wcoach come up behind me and scared the shit outta me...talk about getting the heart rate up!! Any way, he was all excited for me which got me excited too. Believe me though before tonite there were weeks of excuses and he just kept not letting any obstacles get in my way.
Now this is the good part ...I ran 8 one minute intervals over 2 miles tonite!!!!!!!! WTF??? I hated it, it scared me, i was angry, i was sore, but I did it so i was also amazed!!! i'm kinda still in shock that i did it.
So i called Jewels-my gym buddy- who went with me tonite and i told her why i think i'm so sad:
This extra 125 lbs. that equals a whole other person, i've been carrying around all these years is my protector; she's feisty, defiant, a loud obnoxious punk really! And she was there in front tonite. I was mouthing off to Wcoach and making frustrated noises- for example, 'stuff that whistle!' this f***in sux! I hate you Wcoach!! AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! and more much worse...(sorry Wcoach and Jewels) and even though it was joking, that part of me, that extra girl, really was saying all those obnoxious things.
When it was over and we stretched and i got to my car and started to drive home I was so friggin sad ... hence... Running makes me cry! I called Jewels and in talking to her i realized why....
If i'm gonna stay on this journey to get healthy and strong and lose the extra 125lbs (which i am!) my protector (i've always named her Rosey) is gonna be gone. I don't need her anymore. i'm surrounded by loving protectors and i'm safe and making safe choices so Rosey can go. I'm still scared though and obviously Rosey isn't going without a fight...
I love you Rosey but maybe you should think about finding someone else to protect now...no hurry, it'll be ok...
you out there reading this, thanx for listening
I won't bother to list the changes right now they'll come out as i hopefully write more and more often...but if you want to know just let me know and i'll tell ya all 'bout it.
So running...yea...how the f*** did i, the ultimate fat girl, end up running!!?? i know there were choices and challenges and stuff but i really do feel like WTF how did i get to running.
So i'm in this huge lifestyle program MEFirst that is through work and it's the start of my second year and my wellness coach (who is ... wait he needs his own blog...stay tuned on the Wcoach) is a runner and offered to train a group from MEfirst to run. It's called Couch to 5K or C25K. after the meeting he talked about C25K at i said 'i'm interested.'?? (wtf) I just wanted to see if i could even run. a couple days later at the gym on the treadmill i tried and lo and behold i could...until Wcoach come up behind me and scared the shit outta me...talk about getting the heart rate up!! Any way, he was all excited for me which got me excited too. Believe me though before tonite there were weeks of excuses and he just kept not letting any obstacles get in my way.
Now this is the good part ...I ran 8 one minute intervals over 2 miles tonite!!!!!!!! WTF??? I hated it, it scared me, i was angry, i was sore, but I did it so i was also amazed!!! i'm kinda still in shock that i did it.
So i called Jewels-my gym buddy- who went with me tonite and i told her why i think i'm so sad:
This extra 125 lbs. that equals a whole other person, i've been carrying around all these years is my protector; she's feisty, defiant, a loud obnoxious punk really! And she was there in front tonite. I was mouthing off to Wcoach and making frustrated noises- for example, 'stuff that whistle!' this f***in sux! I hate you Wcoach!! AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! and more much worse...(sorry Wcoach and Jewels) and even though it was joking, that part of me, that extra girl, really was saying all those obnoxious things.
When it was over and we stretched and i got to my car and started to drive home I was so friggin sad ... hence... Running makes me cry! I called Jewels and in talking to her i realized why....
If i'm gonna stay on this journey to get healthy and strong and lose the extra 125lbs (which i am!) my protector (i've always named her Rosey) is gonna be gone. I don't need her anymore. i'm surrounded by loving protectors and i'm safe and making safe choices so Rosey can go. I'm still scared though and obviously Rosey isn't going without a fight...
I love you Rosey but maybe you should think about finding someone else to protect now...no hurry, it'll be ok...
you out there reading this, thanx for listening
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Success ring for my Punk
Blue topaz stone is for success
Diamonds are forever
this ring means You have Succeeded.
Even though you will make mistakes;
You will never be a failure.
You have succeeded and will forever be a
Success.
I am so proud of you my girl!
Forever and Always in All ways.
mkp
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Grateful
I didn't think I would be this happy living in Freeport. Except for the commute, I am happier than I have been in a very long time(if ever). Even missing Rachel as much as I do, I'm still happy. How can I be so happy with a broken heart? The Cowboy is so good to me. I enjoy his company. I trust him. He doesn't have to say he loves me, he shows he loves me which is far more important to me. He means what he says and does what he means and says. It's beautiful. Any young girls out there reading this? if you listen to nothing else an elder tells you listen to two things:
First my Grandmother told me some priceless advice I didn't follow:
DO NOT marry a man if you think you need to or even can change him.
Second my advice is:
Make sure when you commit to a man that his actions match his words. And better yet, his actions are true to his words.
I feel so blessed this day. I never ever thought I would be this in love with a good man. I am secure and warm and loved. WOW! Cowboy's daughter is a love. I am crazy about her too. She and I can but heads but we are bonding too. I just have to remember she's young and not always treated well when away from us. I love being a part of her and her Dad's life. It's like a privilege to watch such a great father/daughter relationship. Sometimes I get sad that Rach didn't get to have that but she is really doing well and building one with him now. Better late then never I guess.
I CAN NOT believe she has been gone from me for a month today!! I got to see her and Samira yesterday(thank goodness for SKYPE) so it feels a little better. I really wanna hug her so much. My lap aches for her to snuggle with me. I know! I know she's all grown up but she still fits on my lap. She's my baby!!! I am so dang proud of her. She is doing wicked great. I didn't really know if she would...well I knew she would I just didn't think so well so fast. She's a brilliant beautiful girl and she has only just begun to shine!
So I'm happy, getting healthy, going to school and loving the Cowboy and his little girl. And I live in So Free ME.
Life is NOT crap.
:0)
First my Grandmother told me some priceless advice I didn't follow:
DO NOT marry a man if you think you need to or even can change him.
Second my advice is:
Make sure when you commit to a man that his actions match his words. And better yet, his actions are true to his words.
I feel so blessed this day. I never ever thought I would be this in love with a good man. I am secure and warm and loved. WOW! Cowboy's daughter is a love. I am crazy about her too. She and I can but heads but we are bonding too. I just have to remember she's young and not always treated well when away from us. I love being a part of her and her Dad's life. It's like a privilege to watch such a great father/daughter relationship. Sometimes I get sad that Rach didn't get to have that but she is really doing well and building one with him now. Better late then never I guess.
I CAN NOT believe she has been gone from me for a month today!! I got to see her and Samira yesterday(thank goodness for SKYPE) so it feels a little better. I really wanna hug her so much. My lap aches for her to snuggle with me. I know! I know she's all grown up but she still fits on my lap. She's my baby!!! I am so dang proud of her. She is doing wicked great. I didn't really know if she would...well I knew she would I just didn't think so well so fast. She's a brilliant beautiful girl and she has only just begun to shine!
LOOK OUT WORLD YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE ROCKED BY RACHEL!
I don't want you to feel bad for me but I have to go to an ocean side lobster bake with my new family!! I know! I know it's a tough life considering I love lobster and this new family!!! :0) (sarcasm rox)So I'm happy, getting healthy, going to school and loving the Cowboy and his little girl. And I live in So Free ME.
Life is NOT crap.
:0)
Friday, September 3, 2010
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